I am a sabotager.
I've been known to make mountains out of molehills a time or two.
I can be on the dramatic side, and I am extremely sensitive.
I can cry at the drop of a hat.
Some days I don't think I am cut out for this motherhood business.
Some days I doubt my every move
Oliver is throwing tantrums because of something I am doing wrong.
Landon is completely miserable because of me.
It doesn't end with motherhood.
It's my marriage too.
I am a controller.
Instead of letting it be and letting it go,
I give my two cents over everything, and it's unfair.
Unfair to my husband and unfair to our marriage.
There are days when I
don't give Ryan enough credit,
or any credit at all for that matter.
It hurts to admit this,
but sometimes facing the truth hurts.
When I was young and dreamt of my husband and family,
it was always through rose colored glasses.
My husband would happily walk through the door and give me a kiss,
play with the children while I cooked dinner.
They would all sit at the table and everyone would enjoy the meal I made for them.
Disney totally warped my views of marriage, family and parenting.
Some days I get discouraged that my life isn't easy like that. Even though I know it is so far from realistic. I know that people don't live that way
Marriage is hard and for anyone to say it's not, is lying, to themselves and to me.
I get mad over the stupidest things, I hold grudges over nothing.
I play a game with myself without even letting Ryan in on it, and then I get mad at him for reasons he doesn't even know.
I will leave his item on the table for however long it takes for him to realize it's not in its appropriate spot. I become angry at him for keeping that item there on the table when he knows that's not where it belongs, but instead of saying, "hey could you put your item away?" Or actually picking the item up myself and putting it away, I leave it there and become angry with him. Yes, my stuff is out too and he never once says anything about it.
He might be playing the game in his head too and just hasn't let me in on it either...who knows.
It's a stupid game really.
Games aren't fun when your opponent doesn't even know he's playing.
I huff and sigh and roll my eyes when there are dishes in the sink.
Why doesn't he want to do the dishes? Why won't he just put them in the dishwasher? Doesn't he realize I do the dishes 45 times a day, can't he just do them for me this one time?
All I hear in my head is,
He's doing this to be a jerk. To make more work for you.
No, he's actually not doing the dishes because honestly, who really wants to do the dishes?
Before I even give him a chance to maybe do them on his own
I am nagging him, to get them done.
It's ugly and it's unfair.
But he does do them for me, and a lot of the time it goes unnoticed.
After tripping over his shoes for the 10th time today, I picked them up, placed them in the mudroom neatly and shut the door. Then I thought to myself, "let it go"
He comes home to you and the kids every night after work. Who cares if he leaves his shoes right there in the middle of the floor.
"let it go"
He does help you with the dishes, even if they aren't loaded in the dishwasher the way you would do it, they are still getting done.
"let it go"
He is willing to help out with the laundry, even if it means he's down in the basement playing video games. At least he is home, and not out at some bar.
"let it go"
He is keeping Oliver up later than usual to play. At least he is home and an involved dad. At least he gets enjoyment out of spending time with his children.
"let it go"
that even though he passed out 10 minutes into the movie he is here with you.
"let it go"
Just let it be enough, Lindsay.
Let go of the control, let go of the blame.
just let it go
Some days I get so wrapped up in my every day to day that I don't stop and think. To truly be grateful for all the things he does do for me and our children. He may not do them the way I want him too, but it doesn't mean that they don't or won't get done.
Here I am with a wonderful man who is willing to make sacrifices for his family, who puts us first in everything he does, and it still wasn't enough for me.
I know I have it good. He has never once expected me to wait on him. We do it together, and here I am complaining and criticizing a man who truly is my partner.
It's a hard realization and one that I was reluctant to admit, but it's something that needed to be said.
To look back on this and remind myself that
I am truly blessed.