Tuesday, April 10, 2012

let it go

I am a sabotager. 
I've been known to make mountains out of molehills a time or two. 
I can be on the dramatic side, and I am extremely sensitive. 
I can cry at the drop of a hat. 

Some days I don't think I am cut out for this motherhood business.
 Some days I doubt my every move 
 Oliver is throwing tantrums because of something I am doing wrong
 Landon is completely miserable because of me

It doesn't end with motherhood
It's my marriage too
I am a controller. 
Instead of letting it be and letting it go, 
I give my two cents over everything, and it's unfair. 
Unfair to my husband and unfair to our marriage.

There are days when I 
don't give Ryan enough credit
or any credit at all for that matter. 
It hurts to admit this, 
but sometimes facing the truth hurts. 

When I was young and dreamt of my husband and family, 
it was always through rose colored glasses. 
My husband would happily walk through the door and give me a kiss, 
play with the children while I cooked dinner. 
They would all sit at the table and everyone would enjoy the meal I made for them. 

Disney totally warped my views of marriage, family and parenting. 

Some days I get discouraged that my life isn't easy like that. Even though I know it is so far from realistic. I know that people don't live that way
Marriage is hard and for anyone to say it's not, is lying, to themselves and to me. 

I get mad over the stupidest things, I hold grudges over nothing.
  I play a game with myself without even letting Ryan in on it, and then I get mad at him for reasons he doesn't even know.  
For example
I will leave his item on the table for however long it takes for him to realize it's not in its appropriate spot. I become angry at him for keeping that item there on the table when he knows that's not where it belongs, but instead of saying, "hey could you put your item away?" Or actually picking the item up myself and putting it away, I leave it there and become angry with him. Yes, my stuff is out too and he never once says anything about it. 
He might be playing the game in his head too and just hasn't let me in on it either...who knows. 

It's a stupid game really. 
Games aren't fun when your opponent doesn't even know he's playing.

I huff and sigh and roll my eyes when there are dishes in the sink.
 Why doesn't he want to do the dishes? Why won't he just put them in the dishwasher? Doesn't he realize I do the dishes 45 times a day, can't he just do them for me this one time? 
All I hear in my head is, 
He's doing this to be a jerk. To make more work for you. 

No, he's actually not doing the dishes because honestly, who really wants to do the dishes?
Before I even give him a chance to maybe do them on his own
I am nagging him, to get them done. 
It's ugly and it's unfair. 

But he does do them for me, and a lot of the time it goes unnoticed

After tripping over his shoes for the 10th time today, I picked them up, placed them in the mudroom neatly and shut the door. Then I thought to myself, "let it go" 

 He comes home to you and the kids every night after work. Who cares if he leaves his shoes right there in the middle of the floor. 
"let it go"

He does help you with the dishes, even if they aren't loaded in the dishwasher the way you would do it, they are still getting done. 
"let it go"

 He is willing to help out with the laundry, even if it means he's down in the basement playing video games. At least he is home, and not out at some bar.
"let it go" 

He is keeping Oliver up later than usual to play. At least he is home and an involved dad. At least he gets enjoyment out of spending time with his children. 
"let it go"

that even though he passed out 10 minutes into the movie he is here with you
"let it go"

Just let it be enough, Lindsay. 
Let go of the control, let go of the blame.  
just let it go

Some days I get so wrapped up in my every day to day that I don't stop and think. To truly be grateful for all the things he does do for me and our children. He may not do them the way I want him too, but it doesn't mean that they don't or won't get done. 

Here I am with a wonderful man who is willing to make sacrifices for his family, who puts us first in everything he does, and it still wasn't enough for me

I know I have it good. He has never once expected me to wait on him. We do it together, and here I am complaining and criticizing a man who truly is my partner

It's a hard realization and one that I was reluctant to admit, but it's something that needed to be said. 
To look back on this and remind myself that 
I am truly blessed.  


11 comments :

  1. Perfectly said Lindsay, made me tear up! :o) I'm also guilty of this. Eric is always there and willing to help with anything, all i ever have to do is ask. That's the problem though, I try and do everything myself until it all builds up inside me and I take it out on him. But if I just ask to begin with... At the end of everyday though I know what I have and am beyond grateful for him! You should write a book, I would definitely buy it, hehe!

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    Replies
    1. Its hard asking for help sometimes. I feel like I need to do everything, then I get mad that I do everything. I can't win. Haha thanks, I'll call it "The Many Ramblings of Lindsay...."

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  2. I feel ya girl! I used to be that way, and I still can be sometimes. Nothing was ever enough. But, then I started to realize how lucky I am too. No one is perfect! I know I'm not, so why I would expect my husband to be was pretty ridiculous. I think woman are sort of raised to expect the best. (your right, probably from Disney! ) ;) Great post!

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  3. Adam leaves his socks everywhere. The most random of place...the stairs, the couch, the bookshelf, balled up in front of the toilet, on the kitchen counter. One day I found them on top of the fridge and lost my mind! I screamed out loud, started crying, threw stuff..it was ugly. Then, I realized, there may come a time when he isn't here to leave his socks everywhere. That would be the true tragedy. Now, I laugh at the ridiculous places I find his socks...it has become a game to me...on the headboard, Adam? Good one!

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    1. Okay that's just funny. And sock, yes they are everywhere here too. It must be a man thing. Then Ryan wonders why his sock never has its brother. Its because he leaves them everywhere! My favorite is next to the hamper. See I can laugh about it now, months ago it made me cringe.

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  4. This made me cry. So honest and raw. I hear you and know how you feel. Very well said. Thanks for your open heart and reminder for the rest of us. Yes, let it be enough. Thanks, I needed this today. xxoo, Aubre
    thericesworld.blogspot.com

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    1. I was nervous to post this, but I am happy I did. I know I am not perfect, it was unfair of me to expect my husband to be. Glad my post helped you today!! :) Thanks.

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  5. Passed on from a friend, but this is an awesome post! Been there, done that! And struggle with it often. I try to do the same, grin and bear it, that "ok at least he put the dishes in the kitchen insted of leaving them on the couch last night" and such. Thank you for sharing so honestly! Something I'm sure we all struggle with! =)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by - It was a tough one to write but I think I needed to face it. Seeing all the kind words I have received apparently I am not the only one who feels like this. Im glad you liked the post!!

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  6. This is a wonderful post! I can completely relate to it, and you're right sometimes we just need to let it be enough that our husbands are there and truly are our partners.

    PS: I love the picture you posted. You can totally see that you adore each other. :)

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  7. I completely understand how you feel. I sometimes go through the same feelings. Sometimes you just have to stop and remember what it is that you have, who you fell in love with. I just wrote a post yesterday similar to this one. It was more about doubting myself as a mommy, but I see that you feel the same way as well. You should check it out {http://lovingthiscrazylife-melissa.blogspot.com/2012/04/crazy-in-our-house-this-morning.html}. So happy you found my blog!

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