Not all anniversaries are happy ones.
Today makes 4 years since my father passed away. 4 years since I have seen him or talked to him. I can't even remember what his voice sounds like anymore. It hurts, the pain never really goes away but it does get easier to manage.
But not today. Today it hurts like it did 4 years ago. Today it feels hard to breathe and all the things that are happening around me, I wish they would just stop. Its three days before Christmas and all the music, the lights, the laughter, the joy and the excitement should just stop - just for today. But it doesn't work that way, the world doesn't end just because some thing in my life ended. The world keeps on turning, people keep moving and kids keep laughing.
So today, I will hold onto that even though I want to cry my eyes out in my bed. I want to call for my Daddy and yell at him for leaving me far too soon. I want to introduce him to my children - the grand-babies that he never got to meet and show him my house - that he never got to see.
Life is unfair at times and it is so very messy, but if we're not vulnerable and open we can't connect. If we hid behind 'perfect' and 'i'm okay' relationships fail and trust is lost. Because we aren't perfect and sometimes we aren't okay.
Today, I am not okay.....