I joined the gym months ago. I was so determined to go at least three times a week. It was going to be the start of something new, the new me. the me that actually took some time for herself and put in a little effort into her. the one that stopped putting everyone and everything first and started taking control of her own life. Its so much easier to try to control those around me, instead of focusing on my issues. (though, not very healthy - for anyone)
I was doing so well going, I still am not where I wanted to be when I originally wrote this post. And that is depressing. So signing up for the gym was going to be it, this was the time. I started taking a spinning class, and I was happy that I made it at least 2 sometimes 3 times a week. I loved the way I felt. I took all my frustration of Oliver refusing to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and pushed it into those bike petals. I took all the annoyance of the dog, the kids, my husband, the dishwasher and pushed it into those miles on the bike. I felt fabulous. Clarity. I felt calm and happy.
And then the holidays happened and sitting home with the twinkling Christmas lights drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies with the boys seemed like more fun. Sitting on the couch online shopping in my yoga pants was more exciting to me than actually going to the gym.
And I felt myself slipping again. Going back to that dark place that I never wanted to go to again. After I had Oliver, I had a hard time coping with my new roll as a mom. The anxiety was taking over and I knew something was wrong, someone should cry this much over nothing. This was all happening again. The feelings were coming back, that I was just overwhelmed and couldn't handle anything. I would stay up late, because sleeping was so hard - I would become anxious and it was hard to breathe. The thought of something happening to my kids or husband would creep into my head just as I would almost be asleep. It would wake me up and I would lay there for hours, drifting in and out of sleep. Ryan would always go to bed before me, asking me to come up with him but I would sit on the couch and watch TV and play around on the computer, mindless Pintrest pinning kept the thoughts at bay.
The mornings weren't any better, I was grouchy and annoyed the minute I woke up. The lack of sleep from the night before made my 6am wake up call from hungry toddlers that much more crazy. I tried to be happy for them, but it was hard. And I would be in tears by 7:30am. I knew this wasn't how I wanted my life to go, I knew the only way to make it better was to talk to my doctor again and see what she recommended. I kept putting off the appointment, out of fear or finally having to admit to myself that this was all bigger than me. That there was something chemically wrong going on upstairs and that its not failure to go back on medicine if need be. When I had PPD she prescribed Zoloft for me. I knew that it worked so she prescribed it again. The doctor and the pharmacist both told me it will take a few weeks until it started to build up in my system and I notice a difference. But I'll tell you, I noticed it the first day.
The main thing that all this has helped with is my desire to get off the couch and go back to the gym. I went spinning yesterday. It was hard, seeing I haven't been there in a few months. I walked into the room and it was like I was reminded how helpful this is to me. How much I actually love it. And if you know me, you'll know that anything really physical isn't my cup of tea. I know I should like it for my own health but I've never been real athletic. But there is something about spinning that gets me. I don't feel so exposed in the class, the room is dark and no matter who is riding a bike, everyone looks a little strange. It's the feeling I get after that makes me want to go back for more. Its like I found something I am good at. As silly as that sounds.
So I am just going to keep on spinning. I know that its good for me, and for my sanity. I love this job of mine, but the older the boys get - the harder it seems to get. Oliver has his own needs that are completely different than Landons. The moments of quiet that I had for so long are getting shorter and shorter. Somedays its not quiet at all until they go to bed. So this hour to myself, means so much more to me now. I finally appreciate the time alone and I am doing something I love.
And for something completely unrelated, but totally adorable. Oliver got to meet Sabretooth the other day. Thankfully hockey is back now, all the testosterone in the house will be happy - Ryan took Oliver to the Sabres scrimmage and not only did Oliver get to meet Sabretooth, he was also on the Jumbotron. Lucky little shit, I have been trying to get on that thing for like 7 years. :)