I'm not going to lie, life has been hard on me. Things that have happened have molded me into the person I am today. I don't trust easily and I have a hard time putting myself out there in fear of rejection. Some may say that i am lacking in the self esteem, self confidence department. I have come along way throughout the years, but I still struggle.
I am an introvert, always have been and always will be. When I was younger I would wish that I could be more outgoing and extroverted, I would pick the seat in the back of all my classes, I would wait for someone to say hi to me first before I approached them. Even now, I communicate better though a computer screen, than I do face to face. I have compared myself up and down to those around me, always thinking of the grass being greener.
But tonight as I sit in the quiet, I find myself accepting not only who I am but who I want to be. Because all along there were people who have loved me, flaws and all. And I have pushed at them and fought with them and tested their trust to see if they would stick around. Sure, there is an abandonment issue floating around under all of this, That is pretty obvious and I think those who know me the best, know that it is one of my greatest fears. Yet, they have stayed. The true ones.
Being open and honest is scary, and sometimes I would rather hide behind the 'i'm fine' and 'its okay' rather than facing those emotions. To really put it out there, that I am hurting and longing for something more is scary to admit. Because I don't want those who are around me to think that what they are giving me isn't good enough. Ryan works so hard for this family, and I am beyond grateful for everything that he has given me. But I will admit that there are times when I am mean to him or say hurtful things. or make him feel guilty for things that are beyond his control. Its not something I am proud of, writing it out hurts, but it happens, and to realize it, is bringing it to my attention, so I can change it. so I can see all the things that he has done for me, for us and for this family.
He has always believed in me, more so than I have believed in myself. He has never thought an idea was stupid or a waste of time. He encouraged me to push 'publish' on my very first post all those months ago. when I sat on it for two whole day and was afraid of what people might think or say, he believed in me. He believed in my words. And when I felt like I couldn't compare with all the millions of other blogger on the Internet - he brought me back to reality and showed me that it's not about everyone else, its not about the numbers or the comments or the followers - its about my story. And just to share, because even though its all different - someone out there may just need to read it and can relate.
There was a situation after I started blogging that crushed me. It hurt me badly that someone would read my words and try to discredit me and my feelings. I never talked about it, but after that day - I felt my guard go up. The wall was built a little higher and as much as I tried to fight it, I held back and only shared small clips of my life. That was never my intention when I started this, it was to use this blog as a place to share my life, so my kids could look back someday and read all about the things their mom was going though. But there were people on my side though it all, the true ones who knew where my heart was and that my words were mine.
There will be people who wont like you, there will be people who try to bring you down and hurt you. There will be people who try to steal that joy from your life. But I have realized that its not about those people. Its about the ones who see that light, that spark, that see something so great in you - even when you don't see it in yourself. Those are the ones that matter.