Thursday, July 4, 2013

You Are Forgiven

Somedays are hard. Somedays are really hard and when you're in the thick of it its hard to determine which is real and what has been made up and all in your head. 
Is it really this bad, or am I perceiving it to be this bad?
I've had those days, I have those days where I long for bedtime and it is only 9am. Where every ounce of my being is ready to cry and scream. Where all my feelings are right at the surface and I might just pop at any moment. 
Somedays I wish I could just shut it off, not think so much. Not worry so much. Stop planning on what will happen in 10 years and just get through these next ten minutes. 
I have all these expectations set for myself, as a person but mostly as a mom. And it seems lately I come up short. I envision these moments with the boys where we're all playing nicely and things are going smoothly. However in reality its messy. 
Instead of laughs there are tears, instead of sweet words spoken there is yelling and fights. 
We are so far from perfect. We are all a work in progress. Weaving our blanket with love and mistakes. 
With I'm sorry and I forgive you. 
It's funny when you ask for something, the universe gives it to you in a lesson. It doesn't just hand it over all easy and simple. It makes it hard and throws you right into the pit and makes you climb out. 
That is what is happening to me right now. I have asked for more patience, pleaded to make it easy. Just hand it to me I have shouted, I will be so grateful and I'll never ask for anything again. 
But the universe knows me, and knows what I need. I need to learn patience and the best way to learn it is to practice. This is where Oliver and Landon come in. This is why they were sent to me. 
This is why they are mine
I'm working on it, but some times by the end of the day, my cup is full and I am about to overflow. All the annoyances of the day come pouring out and I am right back where I started. Its not until the kids are asleep and I finally get a moment to think, that I feel guilty. That I feel horrible. That the self-loathing begins. 
But it doesn't have to last forever. Its all a lesson in who we are and who we wish to become. So I sneak up into their rooms and whisper my love for them into the cool night air. I kiss their soft cheeks and promise that I will work harder tomorrow. For myself and for them. 
It's not easy, but when the morning comes and they look at me with wonder and love
so much love.
 I know that I have been forgiven. 
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1 comment :

  1. Ugh, AMEN to this entire entry. I could have written it myself. Lately, every afternoon has been stormy and it's been SO HOT here in Florida that we've spent so much time indoors. The walls are closing in. I feel I'm coming up short, I'm overflowing, I just need to regroup. And then comes bedtime when I'm alone for the first time all day and THE GUILT. I cannot handle the guilt. I promise myself eveyr night the next day will be better. It's rough. Hang in there, mama. <3


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