I'm not going to start this out by saying, "six years ago I married my best friend...."
Although it is true, I'm not going for cheesy, I am going for real.
I married a man who leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, who listens to awful music, who takes out the trash and cleans the cat litter because he knows that I hate it. Who works hard for this family and likes (no loves) craft beer. Who is selfless and kind and would do anything for anyone without expecting something in return. Someone that I admire everyday.
He will tell you that I overreact and swear too much. He will tell you that I take forever to get ready and I am forgetful. He will tell you that sometimes, just sometimes I am a brat but he loves me anyway. That I love him and these two boys with a fierceness that was born the day our sweet children came into this world.
Our marriage has been an adventure, filled with joy and heartache. Yet, we've become stronger and more determined on making our family work. We aren't perfect, our marriage is a progress but I love him more today than I did six years ago.
Somedays are hard. Somedays are really hard and when you're in the thick of it its hard to determine which is real and what has been made up and all in your head.
Is it really this bad, or am I perceiving it to be this bad?
I've had those days, I have those days where I long for bedtime and it is only 9am. Where every ounce of my being is ready to cry and scream. Where all my feelings are right at the surface and I might just pop at any moment.
Somedays I wish I could just shut it off, not think so much. Not worry so much. Stop planning on what will happen in 10 years and just get through these next ten minutes.
I have all these expectations set for myself, as a person but mostly as a mom. And it seems lately I come up short. I envision these moments with the boys where we're all playing nicely and things are going smoothly. However in reality its messy.
LIFE IS MESSY.
Instead of laughs there are tears, instead of sweet words spoken there is yelling and fights.
We are so far from perfect. We are all a work in progress. Weaving our blanket with love and mistakes.
With I'm sorry and I forgive you.
It's funny when you ask for something, the universe gives it to you in a lesson. It doesn't just hand it over all easy and simple. It makes it hard and throws you right into the pit and makes you climb out.
That is what is happening to me right now. I have asked for more patience, pleaded to make it easy. Just hand it to me I have shouted, I will be so grateful and I'll never ask for anything again.
But the universe knows me, and knows what I need. I need to learn patience and the best way to learn it is to practice. This is where Oliver and Landon come in. This is why they were sent to me.
This is why they are mine.
I'm working on it, but some times by the end of the day, my cup is full and I am about to overflow. All the annoyances of the day come pouring out and I am right back where I started. Its not until the kids are asleep and I finally get a moment to think, that I feel guilty. That I feel horrible. That the self-loathing begins.
But it doesn't have to last forever. Its all a lesson in who we are and who we wish to become. So I sneak up into their rooms and whisper my love for them into the cool night air. I kiss their soft cheeks and promise that I will work harder tomorrow. For myself and for them.
It's not easy, but when the morning comes and they look at me with wonder and love
Now its been this way for awhile, not completely broken as in it doesn't work at all. Just kind of broken, like it doesn't clean anything. So you load it expecting it to maybe work and the dishes come out just as dirty as when they went in.
But its okay, because today I thought about perspective.
I stood at my sink while the boys played around me and it all came to me. That sometimes the easy way isn't always the best way. Sometimes slowing down, really is better.
I watched a bee flying around my spirea bushes. Going from flower to flower, just gently touching down. Soft enough not to disturb the purple wildflowers that are growing up between the bushes. I never even knew those purple flowers were there.
Have they been here this whole time and I just never noticed? Why didn't I notice?
I watched birds perched on the wire outside my window. Softly singing their song or warning each other that a storm is rolling in. I've never been a bird watcher, but I was content just standing there watching them at this moment.
I could see the neighbors vegetable garden, the one the kids planted themselves. Growing and thriving, drinking in all the water that has been rained down upon us these last few days.
The gray sky and how even though it was gloomy, I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel the need for sunshine today and how I was alright with the colorless sky.
I felt the water and decided that it was far too hot. That maybe we need to turn the hot water tank down and why I never thought of that before. What if one of the kids were to stick their hands under the faucet and the water was that hot?
I felt guilt for a moment, for not thinking of it sooner. But I let it go. I knew now and now I can do something about it.
The warm water, the slippery plates clinking around in our old, white, stained sink. I thought about how very blessed I am for the family that gathers at the table every night to eat the meals off these plates.
I thought about the laughs and the memories made at our table, the joy on the faces of these two children when their dad walks though the door. I thought about the meals and the moment. The happiness and even some tears.
Sure there are tears, but its okay. Because they don't last forever.
We hug and laugh about it and move on.
I don't miss my dishwasher as much as I thought I would. I will be happy when its fixed and I can mechanically load it full and shut the door and move on to the next thing on my forever long to do list.
But at this moment I was okay with stopping and taking in the beauty of the dirty dish water.
We've all heard it before, "you are what you eat" you eat like crap, you feel like crap. Honestly, its not rocket science - however, I am dense and it takes me awhile to put two and two together.
When I was younger, I could eat whatever the hell I wanted. I wasn't fat, however I thought I was. I would stand in the mirror and pinch the nonexistent fat on my stomach. I'd like to really go back and throat punch that girl. For real.
Since I have become older, and a mom things have changed. My body is no longer resilient to the crap I put into it. It doesn't bounce back like I am use to it doing. My metabolism pretty much told me to eff off.
Things that were once okay for me to eat, no longer agree with me. Like dairy. I will admit I love all dairy (except cottage cheese, that shit is disgusting!) but since I had Landon I just can't eat it without getting sick. Ryan has been lactose intolerant since he was younger, I always said I would cry if it ever happened to me. I'm not gonna lie, once I put two and two together and realized what was making me sick, I did cry.
Then I tried to ignore it and that didn't work. So now, I have the choice, eat something that I know will make me feel like garbage for that instant gratification or change my views on it and leave it alone. Its not as enjoyable anymore when I know its going to make the feel like crap.
We've all really been trying to change our views on food and how and why we are eating. We are a bunch of snackers in this house. All of us would be content grazing throughout the day, and that's okay if its not junk food that we're grazing on. obviously not everyday, meals are important I know this but trying to get two toddlers to sit down at the table and actually eat more than two bites takes a lot off patience. Somedays I just don't have it in me. So graze we will.
For the most part, the boys are amazing with eating fruits and veggies. In fact the other day I asked Oliver what he wanted from the store and he said, "Apples, carrots, kale and chia seeds." However, they have both inherited my sweet tooth so I've been trying (not only for myself) to introduce them to other things that can be just as delicious as cookies or ice cream.
Oliver knows that junk food causes stomach aches, I've told him enough that eating crappy makes us feel crappy. Its just sometimes, we all want a cookie.
Since Landon has been born *18 months ago!* I have tried to lose the weight. I have been on Weight Watchers and counted calories. Started (and stopped) the C25K. Been to spinning and stopped going to spinning. I am awesome at starting something, however, I really suck at continuing it. I am much happier holding the couch down. But I am not really happier with how I feel.
That's why, now, I am committed to do this. To actually start living healthier. For the boys but mostly for myself. I love myself too much to not put myself first. I have been everything to everyone for so long that now, I am going to be something for myself. I am determined to push myself past that comfort zone and lose the weight that I have been dragging around for far too long. I'm writing it here for accountability. If it is written here, it is real and not just some idea in my head. People have read it, I have read it (and will continue to read it) over and over until I reach my goal.
Have any healthy recipes you wish to share? I'd love to try some new things!!